Fizzy tummy.

I hadn’t gotten this feeling in a good month or so, and no I haven’t moved on, the complete opposite actually.

My ex never uses twitter, the last time he used it we were still talking, and that was over a month ago now, suddenly he started retweeting other people. As soon as I saw his name, my body just started doing things it would have done if I was going on a first date. The fizziness came rushing into my stomach, my breathing became much stronger, I was blushing. It’s not as though I’ve spoke to him, it’s just the fact that he knows how much I use twitter and he only used it again when we started dating. So yeah this is a big deal for me. 

Funny thing is, he gets more beautiful every time I torture myself and look at a photo of him. His beautiful blue eyes, dark hair, dimples, his cheeky smile. I would do so much to get him back. I would pretend to not like him at all if that’s what it took. I just want him to speak to me. Ridiculous amounts. 

I believe that everyone deserves a second chance if neither of you have done wrong, and at some point were the light of each other’s lives. 

He doesn’t understand how much he meant to me, he was my first proper boyfriend. I fell in love with him. But since I wasn’t his first proper girlfriend then of course he doesn’t feel the same way. Which sucks completely when I think about it, but the thing is, I might not have been his first girlfriend, but I damn well was the best he’s had so far, and I hope he appreciates that, and misses me for that reason. 

I just don’t know. I seem to miss him more, and like him more, every day that we don’t speak.

Oh.

So my ex has just returned from a holiday in “Shagaluf” or Magaluf to anyone else. 

And I honestly refuse to hear any stories that happened on the holiday, I’ve told my friend who’s close with his best friends that if they tell any stories do not tell them to me, I’d rather not know at all. 

I looked at a picture of him today for the first time in a few days, as it’s been a bit hectic right now… I was supposed to drive to my mum’s 320 miles away from where I live and 130 miles in my car decides to not work so I got towed back home. Now I have to wait for another weekend to go and see my mum who I’ve not seen in over two months.

But anyway, seeing this photo of my ex I just fell in love all over again with him. He looks happy, and a bit drunk, his dimples are incredibly cute. At least he’s happy, I miss him.

It’s been over two weeks since we spoke, and I’m definitely still angry at him and don’t feel like talking to him anytime soon, but when I see that face my knees get so weak, my whole body just gives in. In the end I just want him to be happy, whether that’s with or without me. 

AAAAAAHHHHH.

There are so many things going on in my head right now, and I’m trying to seem happy and that nothing’s bothering me but I just can’t do it. 

I keep thinking that my ex is going to move on straight away, and it sickens me to the stomach to think that he’s out with other girls, doing to them what he would have done to me, especially since he knows how I feel.

This really shouldn’t have happened, he’s just a stubborn, unusual boy. And yeah I liked him a lot for these reasons, but right now he’s just pissing me off. 

I keep thinking about the videos I have on my phone of the guys of his family and him doing The Slosh in his living room, and then he filmed the girls in his family and myself doing the Macarena in the same room. They’re really funny, because everyone’s just absolutely drunk.

The same night, once everyone had gone home, my ex’s immediate family were downstairs cleaning up a bit, but my ex and I couldn’t control ourselves for much longer. Before we knew it, we were having really incredible drunken sex. I thought I was being quiet because I knew that his family were downstairs, and we were trying so hard for the bed not to make any noise either but he told me a few days later that I wasn’t so quiet. He didn’t mind since clearly he was doing something right.

I miss times like that, we would have had so much drunken sex recently if we were still together. 

Ugh. Why is this so hard?! Surely it shouldn’t be like this, I’m trying but my whole body is refusing to move on with me, it’s telling me that he’s the one I need. Clinging onto every word he’s said to me recently, about the whole “I wouldn’t say no to getting back together because you don’t know what could happen in the future” chat. But then he says kind-of nasty things to me the other day.

My head is so fucked up, it hurts to do much these days. 

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, sob to my hearts content, cuddle into my bed for about a week and eat nothing so I can physically feel empty and weak, because that’s just how I feel emotionally.